"These are the days we've been waiting for, on days like these who could've asked for more?
These are the days we've been waiting for. Rattle the cage and slam that door."   -Avicii

How apt that I've stumbled upon this song on the day of the last paper itself. HAHA,  FUCK YEAH As ARE DONE. Indeed, we're A level graduates now like woah, I just got my O level results last year?!

Honestly words can't describe how I'm feeling accurately enough. The exhilaration that came with liberation/freedom? I didn't feel that. Somehow it didn't hit me that, hey i'm a free bird now.  It didn't hit me that that green tinted nightmare has ended. It didn't hit me that that might've been the last time I would see some of my school mates and classmates. Nope, not on the 25th of nov.

It hits me now. I guess its normal to feel like crying now right? haha.

My thoughts are so meddled, I don't even know where to start. Its like i'm taking an involuntary trip down the memory lane and this song that's playing in the background is sending my feels on overdrive.

Okay, lets start with this: I hate the person that A levels has made me change into, I've never felt so lost in my life, I've never felt so worthless, I've never cried myself to sleep so many times.
I hate that even as I'm writing this blog post now, I'm consciously thinking of how to structure it so that it'll lok presentable, flow coherently and have a logical thesis, flow of argument. I hate that words don't flow out of me as easily as they used to.
I hate that I've become so mechanized and keep thinking of others will perceive me.
I've lived in the world of winners since i was young. The fall was hard and painful here I admit. While initially i felt butt hurt and was just being a sore ass loser. Now, I feel more lost than ever with A levels ending. My fear for the future is so intense that I go crazy trying to plan and maximise my time. I feel oddly competitive when i see my peers sign up for internships and jobs while I am relaxing. I feel jealous that they're getting more out of life than I am.

You see, I'm bitter and I hate that so much.

I want to do the things I want, to have the freedom and ability of explore my options but here, the fear of being labelled a failure overwhelms everything else.  I am so scared, so scared but at the same time as so sad for the things that I've missed out on because of my own inability to handle stress.  These two years have been nothing short of living hell, walking through a path of burning hot stones and thorny brambles that tear away bits of you as you progress through. The burning pain forces you to push on yet it hurts so badly.

But hey, I'll admit that I've grown so much and learnt more than i'd ever expect to. I will never trade this two years of hell for anything.

This year especially has been hard on my family, I lost my grandfather, aunt and great grandmother.
Regret is the worst most heart wrenching feeling and I truly understood the meaning of this this year. I sacrificed family time for my own leisure and selfish purposes, there were things that i wasn't able to do in time and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I learnt the true meaning of family and love this year, health is indeed gold. Thank you Mummy and Papa so much for all that you've done for me, I see it although i don't show it, I'm sorry I can't express myself freely. And to my brother who has matured so much, I honestly was shocked and humbled at your ability to show love and care to others, You are special and capable of great things and don't let other people tell you otherwise.

I'm sorry that this got so emotional and personal. I guess i had to just pour out my feelings and get some closure.

Now we get to the silver lining. I've always been very lucky when it comes to section mates. I've been blessed to be able to work and bond with such kind and friendly people admist all the shit that is ahem co... actually most people there are really nice too, maybe i was just at the wrong place at the wrong time during J1. oh wells, I have learnt heaps and that will be my greatest takeaway besides all the precious friendships. Sometimes I get amazed at how we can get so close gosh.

In the class, I've never been happier to have met the ducky girls. AHAHA we're forever being lame and cracking nerdish jokes and laughing at the stupidest stuff, But hey that's what I love about yall! I would have never had gotten out of this alive if it weren't for that bunch. Their constant companionship, laughter and support is really what brought me here. I'm sorry for being a moody ass at times heh. Its been 2 really short years guys and they told me I would not find "true friends" in jc but I found you all. Guess they're wrong HAHA! I've also been lucky to have been put in a class with great, friendly and helpful classmates, they've been a great source of motivation and help through my journey in tjc. Really although we're really cliquish  most of the time, I can tell that really, they're nice people :) I mean which other CG rep diligently WAs the seating arrangement for every exam?! HAHA. I was blessed to have met great and most inspiring tutors, especially Mrs Tan. My god i really don't know what I would've done without here HAHA, And we kept joking that she should totally open a tuition centre and nobody would wanna come to school anymore.

While I kept complaining that workload is sometimes too much and we have too much stuff to juggle. I'm glad I took part in all those activities that I did because they each equipped me with a new set of skills and experience. Defy camp, the numerous CIPs and shits. They're actually really fun they allowed me do things that I never would have done myself HAHA. Like walking 20km across Singapore in the dead of the night, goodness. Although I do regret pulling out of TOOP, dang it. Oh and that little heartbreak over someone that's not worth it.

Anyway I'm really glad that i was able to end my jc life on a great note, in fact, the best note possible :) Although I'm really still lacking in some people skills haha.

So here's closure to one chapter of my life, and doors to a new one is slowly opening. From here on I want to take charge of my life and do the best I can to improve myself. I will work on what makes me happy and not only to present what other people want to see. I'm going to plan it out one step at a time. Alright, I guess this is some sort of closure for me, bawling my eyes out at this ungodly hour while typing this HAHAHA. Life's good now. I've grown so much both personally and acadamically however I am still lacking in some good people skills.... I've learnt to not get so caught up over small, petty mistakes here and there. Look at everything from a different perspective, just as how people express love differently, you must always look on the brighter side. Its good self motivation and anxiety reliever.  But if you ask me, what's the one thing that I've gained the most from this journey?.....





It's Weight.



"These are the days we won't regret
These are the days we won't forget" - Avicii


I love you all. Love yourself too.

Merry Christmas Everyone! Its the eve of X'mas 2013 and im alone w the mom at home.

Well this year has been a hell of an emotional roller-coaster ride. And i was pretty damn upset about spending Christmas every single year like this. But whatever, i shall just focus on the upcoming events and start studying properly. I found things to be thankful for, and i shall just keep sticking to those things.

Adios for now, more updates and reflections on the 31st

Its already the start of november and the end of my JC1 life. I never fail to say wow at the speed at which time passes, HAHA. I happened to chance upon the song 那些年 on 64angels blog this late night and felt so much nostalgia. It got me thinking about how far i've walked to this day. From PSLE to O levels to promos now. I've been pretty damn resentful these years and suddenly after promos this year, i've found so much to be thankful for. I guess the saying, you only know what you've got after you've lost them holds true to me. 

Its been a while since i've posted anything here, aha. and everytime i do post, the phrase "time flies" never escapes my posts.

I'm more than halfway through my JC1 life now, and boy do i feel the heat. I feel like a little fish in a huge pond right now, the competition is so much fiercer and you cant afford any slacking. Trust me, cause i've been there, done that. Needless to say, I faired horribly for JCTs, failed it and got labelled a failure. I know its my fault for slacking off during the june hols. I cant blame anybody but myself, really. Truth be told, im actually butthurt most off the time in TJC because i can't perform up to my old standards, its just not the same. Everybody is so much better, prettier and more hardworking than me. Yeah, you got that right, I'm a sore loser. I can't take the fall, my huge ass ballooning ego is getting in my way. I've never been labelled a a failure for my academic results in all 17 years of my life and it sure hurts on the way down now. Im suddenly at the bottom of the "food chain". From President to getting suspended, From a single digit scorer to an absolute failure. Wow, shit man, it hurts.

I've prided myself because of my academics for the most of my life and now that little comfort i have to my self-worth is gone. You know it would be better if i wasn't reminded of how i failed EVERY single day. Yeah, teachers use the word failure on us openly, we get sent to night study classes, friends complain about their results in our faces. Erm hello? I have feelings too.

and that's not the worst, I feel like im less than nothing in tjco. really man, i got no background and i know i suck at percussion. I feel fucking worthless there because the pro players only talk among themselves and create some exclusive group for the elite players in CO. wow man thanks again for the reminder about how badly i suck. and to think i spent more than 15 hours a week at one point in time practicing for you guys. Even the seniors are not forgiving, ,looks of disgust/pity thrown at me. Maybe i don't belong in any chinese orchestra at all. Its been nothing but pain every time i join a chinese orchestra. My only comfort are my section mates.

I feel so stressed out, like im going to just breakdown and commit suicide anytime. Tears are a everyday affair in my life now.

I just came home from the temple to pray for wisdom and light in coming out of this hole i'm in. I hope i make it out of here in time. Kudos.

Hello, so its like the end of January 2013 already. Time really flies man, and to think that my previous post was about O levels and being halfway thru it. Hahaha so now im totally over with O's, got my results, being satisfied with it and waiting for my posting results.

Ah, and Im taking my A's next year.... damn, i just finished O's and now there's A's.

I have something to confess actually, And hell no, its not about love. Its just that i feel like this time round the "success"of my O'level results are not mine. Yup, the success is not mine, Its the product of so many things, including divine help i guess. I dont know why i feel like that but i do feel uneasy. To be honest, i didnt really study that hard for my O's. So im really kinda afraid for A's now. I mean A's is really no joke, either you sink or swim. And judging by my lazy, lackadaisical personality now, I'm truly worried for myself. Thinking whether im able to survive junior college life or not. Its scary how my life is progressing, it really is. I know im lazy, dirty and just plain slow. I cant do things quickly for the life of me, Im really sorry for that but i cant help it at all. Even at my part-time job, my colleagues dont say it but i know, Im like the worst worker over there, im just damn bloody slow and make so many fucking misakes. I hate myself for being like that.

To top everything off, I'm not pretty or even average looking either. I have horrible bad skin and i just cannot  stop scratching myself when im nervous or upset. Which makes me even more upset, sigh.

I feel like a very bad person. Very bad one, like plain evil,rude and shitty my nature. I want to be good, i really do. Gotta find a way to make my heart more beautiful, to put my soul at ease.